Should I really listen to you? No really… are you worth the time?

I’m entirely out of fucks to give about what people think anymore. Specifically, what people think I should be doing with my life and how I should do things in my life. They can talk, they can suggest, but everything has to fall on deaf ears now. I’m not listening anymore. I can find my own path somehow without all the crappy, shitty, advice that no one seems to be following themselves. This advice is coming from family members, some close friends, and a few acquaintances.

I’ve listened to people for awhile. Took some advice, both good and bad and despite of following the good ones, things didn’t resonate well with me and didn’t fit into my life. Maybe because what they advised isn’t exactly the best fit for me. This is probably why I have a slight distrust of people and also why I keep people at arm’s length because most of the time I feel like I’m either miscommunicating or misunderstood.

I’m 25 years old. Somewhat fresh out of college and I am attempting to keep some positivity in my life by not comparing myself to others and not listening to the naysayers and negative vibes that a lot of people have thrown my way. They say that, I can’t do it or it’s impossible or that I have to live my life a certain way to be successful.

Can I say a little something?

Politely, FUCK OFF. 

I’ve been around fake Christians long enough to understand that they project a lot of insecurities as well as their own twisted worldview. Do I need to get into detail? Look up Westboro, Pensacola Christian College, Bob Jones University, and Liberty University. I grew up predominantly in the South but I kept my distance from the Bible-thumping miscreants. Of course, not all Christians are bad but some I’d rather place on mute and ignore when I come into contact with them because they honestly are not worth the energy or time to engage in conversation with. No one wins with them. It’s lose-lose. You come out of the conversation exasperated and riled up and you don’t feel any better about yourself because you’re always going to be wrong in their eyes. So, that’s why I’ve elected to ignore the majority of said fake ass Christians. And moving forward….

People are always going to question what you believe in and why you believe in it. Personally, I think you need to understand what you believe and why you believe it so you can defend yourself and stand your ground, like a fucking tree. Make them move, not you. You control how you perceive the world and you are an autonomous human being with the ability to make decisions and choose. Choosing how you live your life, how you believe, how you perceive other people, ideas, beliefs, and different things in this world. You get the idea. It’s like a choose your own adventure RPG.

I’ve been under a “Christian” household for most of my life and I think I’m going through a quarter life crisis or….. some sort of transformation or something (laughing my ass off).

I’ve lived my life pleasing people almost sycophantic to a point. It’s not pretty. It’s not a pleasant thing to do. You feel as if your identity belongs to someone else and that you’re not your own. Fuck that….. fuck anyone who says I can’t live my life differently than the rest of the people on this planet. I have one life to live and one shot to do all the things before the light at the end of the tunnel or some shit…. or the pearly gates.

To be quite honest, for some reason I go to Heaven one day, I’d like to separate myself from all the other Christians that have died and not associate with them up there. Maybe a quiet little meadow or something by myself and maybe with some of my good Christian friends (one in particular who’s a buddy of mine from high school). Maybe just me and him. The rest of everyone else I don’t really care for. (Insert Bible verse about a Christian separating themselves from other Christians and being like a lump of coal that won’t get near as much as warmth [or none at all, but I’m a self-starting charcoal tablet] as all the other Christians who are bundled together like a Kingsford Original). 

Jokes aside, maybe I’m just having a shitty Saturday night.

The New Age of Enlightenment(?)

I tried to conjure up a dramatic title for this post but until I can muster up something that can roll off the tongue smoothly, I’m going to roll with this one.

Lately I’ve been thinking about my practice and how gods and goddesses would play a role in my magickal workings and beliefs. In an age where technology advances faster than one can breathe, we drift into an era where the old quickly starts fading into the shadows of history. Ancient pantheons of gods and goddesses have played roles in the creation, destruction, and upkeep of the world that we think we know.

We can say, “The gods are dead! What role or hand do they have in current events?” Or we can also say, “The gods are alive and real, and their influences are as mysterious as their ageless origins.” Perhaps, we have different ways of worship, of taking into account how these gods and goddesses are perceived in the world. Do they keep rule over their domain? Do they trifle with other pantheons? Is there some gigantic cosmic war that rages on in the unseen realm among pantheons vying for power and the worship they deserve? (I’ve probably been watching a little too much American Gods, but besides that).

Think about it. What do deities really want from us? Do they control us? Do they guide us? Do they merely wish to have rulership and domain over certain aspects of our lives, the world, the Universe?

Religion has been a curious concept to me ever since I was a child. I’ve always wondered why we worship things, why we have a need to fill a metaphorical void in ourselves to associate with a higher being with power no human can even comprehend. Most New Age ideas would say that we are in the process of attaining Godhood or becoming like the gods……. yet few and far between have actually proven such a thing. I’ve yet to believe a man or woman who’s attained some sort of spiritual enlightenment in their life….. basically I’m saying I don’t trust a human without a dark side. Light and dark is as much a part of the world as we know it. Dichotomies exist. Sure, fluidity is a thing but we can’t deny the fact that certain things exist as two. Opposites attract (or repel), mundane and spiritual, physical and immaterial, etc.

With the knowledge we have so far up to this point in history, we have many claims, facts, theories, studies, laws, and such that we use as a foundation to make sense of the Universe. How we use that knowledge…. well, I guess that purpose has yet to fulfill itself… does it?

Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You

I haven’t bothered to write anything in this blog recently since real life has been taking up most of my time and I’ve also been busy with some summer classes that are currently in progress. I still haven’t forgotten my practice though or rather what’s left of it.

Returning to a spiritual practice has been the last thing on my mind since I’ve been doing some soul-searching for the past year since I graduated college. I feel that as a part of my growing identity, college has been a major impact in my life moreso than I’d like to think. The people I’ve met, the experiences I’ve encountered, and the inner moments that have been on the level of life-changing.

So, I’ve thought about lately what I could write about and it’s going to be something simple. It’s learning to let go of what no longer serves you. 

I started out with the little things. Throwing away pieces of paper in my journal that no longer served any sort of emotional construct or meaning. Clearing out my digital life (social media accounts, desktop files, computer files), old notebooks, old documents.

And then emotionally I had to deal with letting people go and any personal attachments associated with them. Of course you never truly forget the ones who have hurt you but with time and distance it can be cathartic and easier to work with.

When you start out letting go of the small things, it sort of becomes easier to let go of the bigger things that have been eating up your time mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Spiritually clearing out is another thing as well. You learn to prioritize what is important and what needs to be dealt with so you can breathe easier in your life.

What are some things you no longer need in your life?

Finding Myself

For the longest time I’ve played around with ideas in my head thinking I’d eventually get to writing the “great American novel” or the century’s most celebrated book ever written. You want to be a writer so you vomit all of your thoughts onto the page like modern art where someone just splats a bunch of colors on a white canvas calling it a deep, subjective meaningful piece of art that rebels and exceeds all of society’s standards. After vomiting your thoughts on paper or screen, you start getting bored and then you stop and get a cup of tea or you listen to a song on your iPod or you walk down the street to the corner market and buy snacks and then you come back home turning the TV on and then mindlessly doze off into sleep forgetting what you were ever writing about in the first place. That’s how I feel sometimes whenever I begin writing. I have all these wonderful ideas inside my head but then when I try to attempt to convey them into physical, readable form I start losing it. I start obsessing over grammar, punctuation, cohesiveness, the subject matter, and my entire existence. Okay so the last one may be a bit melodramatic but yeah. I’ve questioned my ability to create ever since I was a boy in middle school where I was just developing my talent until fundamental Christian values started creeping in and snapped the rose while it was still in bloom. You get depressed. You get sad. You try writing again but then you fail because of the expectations and the crippling mark of shame that was forced upon you as a young, impressionable child. You couldn’t cultivate that talent in a school where you can’t be freethinking or liberal with your artistic choices. You live in that Christian bubble. You start resenting living in that bubble and then once you finally get out you start going on an insane rollercoaster ride that makes you question what you ever believed in the first place.

It definitely felt like my identity was ripped from me and even to this day I feel like I’m still picking up the pieces; but, maybe, I don’t have to pick up the pieces anymore. Maybe I have to just create something new instead of repairing the old? Sometimes holding onto the pieces of the past could be more of a crutch than something that will eventually heal on its own. You have got to start fresh somewhere. I’m still figuring out where to start out fresh. Thirteen years of an expensive, private Christian education and you would think you’d be able to live your life differently better now than before, but it still feels like I have chains attached to me. Chains that have been a burden and nothing liberating. I felt like a freak, an anathema, and an outsider at a school where I almost didn’t have an identity. Every time I try to find myself or explore different avenues apart from the safe, fundamental teachings I’ve been taught, I become afraid of the consequences and paralyzed to act or do anything.

When does someone stop being afraid and when does someone start being brave to be who they are and not what others have taught them to be?

questioning evolving practice

I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing for a few weeks now. Does someone just decide to become a witch or is it in their blood? There are so many things out there written by practitioners, occult academics, researchers, and the like that it does become sort of overwhelming to take in information and sifting through what’s real and what’s not.

Also I’d like to note that TUMBLR IS NOT AN ENTIRELY REPUTABLE SOURCE of information for practicing witchcraft despite of the ease of use and accessibility that most younger generations are attracted to. Checking sources and seeing where they come from is the first step to studying and deciding if one wants to pursue a “magical” life. Pretty much in essence, use CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS and discern whether the source is questionable or not. 

I haven’t been formally initiated into a coven or anything like that. I’ve been on and off studying witchcraft and different practices for nearly 7 years now? And there is still a lot to learn. Granted, I am a natural skeptic that requires proof of something that works. Maybe that’s why I haven’t fully immersed myself in practice lately because of some personal life changing events that make me question everything involving the supernatural in general.

I guess one thing that I’ve been annoyed with on Tumblr and the Internet in general is that    there are people who say that you can practice however you want and incorporate it into your belief system however you wish like some “Pick 2 Combo Deal” at a restaurant or “Create Your Own Dish.” Personally, I see that sort of practice as picking whatever you please and therein lies a danger in stealing another culture’s beliefs in turn committing cultural appropriation. If it didn’t originally belong in the society you live in, you don’t have business dealing with it unless someone invites you or you share ties to the culture of interest.

I think in this world there are set rules and systems in place that involve practicing whatever religion or belief you choose. It’s just that for ages dogmatic theology has ruled most societies to this day that most young people want a more flexible approach to practicing whatever belief, faith, or system they believe in.

And I guess that’s what makes me question what witchcraft really is. Is it an art, a science, or both?

Do various folklores from different cultures necessarily entail supernatural events to occur on the physical plane? Hollywood has definitely gained a mass influence on young people involving magic with such movies like The Craft in the 90s.

Invoking spirits, gods, and other entities isn’t exactly something anyone can JUST DO because they want to for the hell of it. Something has to be put into place to enact the summoning or ritual. Why else do you think the Solomonic seals exist with detailed instructions on summoning? Maybe back then before everything advanced, it was their primitive way of practicing to manipulate “advanced supernatural entities.”

Then… you have the Neopagan practices like Wicca which has…. sort of turned into that whole crystals, chakras, and New Age bookshops that sell a shitload of incense, packaged bath scrubs with mystically enhanced herbs and such. A lot of practices today can turn cute and fluffy and that isn’t the practice I’m looking for.

I guess I’ve just stopped asking people in the magical pagan community on how to practice since most of them can be on a spiritual high horse where they think they may have found supreme enlightenment and attained cosmic powers that they don’t need to explain things to curious folk….. no, sorry, you just sound and look like a raging asshole that thinks they’re better than everyone else. 

Now, I’m not saying that you have to don some robes and go on some mystical, magical journey like Dr. Strange to attain magical powers in Tibet or some Far Off land with obscure practice. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t give up on finding whatever truth you seek until the time comes where you make a decision saying if its worth it or not.

Whatever practice you involve yourself in, it becomes real with how you make of it.

I’m still trying to figure out that practice and reality thing…. who knows.

Inner Conflict

Note: Since I’m typing this on mobile, might have to edit stuff for correctness and any other grammatical or punctuation errors. Also might add more stuff.

Tonight would have been perfect if I had my stuff with me but I guess my phone will have to do in writing this post. 
I’ve been in a weird contemplative mood lately. Just stuff about life involving the personal, spiritual, and overall state of the world. I grew up being self-conscious about how I acted around others and how I conducted my mannerisms and speech. It nearly turned me into a psycho of a mess in high school and a little during the beginning of college; however, I’ve managed to learn to adapt and carry myself appropriately.

Growing up in a Christian environment felt safe, too safe. I knew the dangers of the world, I knew the darkness that people were capable of, and I let it all affect me so deeply I’ve developed such a mistrust and bitter view of almost everyone I encounter in this world as a I breathe. But I know that no normal human being can ever live like that for their mortal lifespan.

I can’t keep my heart closed and I can’t keep being afraid of people to the point where I become an ice cold human being.

Sometimes I feel out of touch. Sometimes I feel such an inhuman need to be alone in a dark place where I can heal and rest my mind and body. 

Christianity has a lot of contradictions and doctrines that I’m still wrapping my head around and I’m desperately trying to “unlearn” or “deprogram” my brain from all the negativity I’ve experienced.

Part of me wants to separate completely from the rest of these so-called Christians and another wants to try to understand. I can’t keep being pulled in two different directions.

Someone would probably suggest I pray and ask for guidance from God or seek out a pastor and his church or maybe an impersonal shrink  that I can speak about my problems to.

It’s like hitting a brick wall over and over again. What was that definition? Insanity.

This is why I consider myself an agnostic and not an atheist. I strongly believe there is some kind of deity or Force that’s out there that has put humanity on course from whenever the hell we began. And things have been rather nice and fucked up so far.

I look at other Christians out there and wonder if they really are Christians. Are they saying they believe in Jesus because its fashionable and convenient for them to escape everlasting hell fire? Or do they truly believe and care for their fellow man?

I’ve accepted my homosexuality by the time I became 18. However, there are still times where I doubt “authentic” self. 

The damages, the scars are still there and I wish I could turn back time and relive my life different but you can’t turn back. You can’t turn the clock back no matter how much you try and no matter how much you wish for it to magically do so.

I guess I’ve yet to learn how to live with the pain of being rejected and shunned by these wannabe or so-called Christians.

What would Jesus REALLY do if he were alive in our modern society?

Homesick and… Consecration of…. What?

I feel like I may have half-assed my athame consecration ritual an hour ago. Is there such a thing as re-consecration of a tool? I’ve been looking it up on Ye Olde Google and even referenced a few of the handful of witchcraft books that I have currently in my possession but nothing didn’t pop up or resonate with me so I went with my own quick, simple ritual that involved a black cord, my athame obviously, a white candle, and blowing puffs of air onto said athame. Also passing blade through flame because gut instinct and inner me told me so.

I’ve only recently just begun to get into the swing of practice again after a year of delay. I’d say the things that dominantly interrupted my flow of practice would be my depression, settling into another state with family after being in college, and trying to make new friends in places I frequently explore in Los Angeles and around.

Before I rarely tried to make any friends in a new place but Los Angeles is a different ballgame. I was raised in the South and I have some Southern tendencies like manners, a twang in my voice despite of being a helluva different ethnicity, and some old-fashioned views that could come out of the South. So being in LA is just different and I’m pretty sure there are other Southerners like me living in LA that are adjusting as well or hell, maybe they fit in naturally!

Amidst the concrete, asphalt, smog, and blaring horns from angry traffic, I don’t feel like it compares to the green and tranquility I felt back in North Carolina. My parents probably have already long moved on from living in NC for most of our lives here in the US, but I still have ties to NC. Hell, I feel like my magic is still there despite of me trying to create new magic here.

In essence, I’m a homesick witch in a place where he doesn’t feel at all like home. I could try to conjure whatever but the only thing I guess limiting me is my imagination and faith in believing something could happen. I can’t just pick up my things and leave going back to NC without some form of well, money and job assurance. And they say Millennials are lazy?…… tell that to the job market and the fucked up economy (mind you I got a degree related to STEM and yet I can’t find a damn job worth a lick?)

Anywho, back to my half-assed attempt at athame consecration. I didn’t want to follow a formula created by anyone so I decided to create my own. I guess the magic in that is that it was personal and the athame is linked to my energy. With constant usage in ritual and practice, I’m sure I can build a better connection with my athame despite of the initial consecration ceremony I tried doing with it tonight.

If anyone has any ideas how this witch could go about feeling like he’s doing things properly, I’m open to suggestions.