Finding Myself

For the longest time I’ve played around with ideas in my head thinking I’d eventually get to writing the “great American novel” or the century’s most celebrated book ever written. You want to be a writer so you vomit all of your thoughts onto the page like modern art where someone just splats a bunch of colors on a white canvas calling it a deep, subjective meaningful piece of art that rebels and exceeds all of society’s standards. After vomiting your thoughts on paper or screen, you start getting bored and then you stop and get a cup of tea or you listen to a song on your iPod or you walk down the street to the corner market and buy snacks and then you come back home turning the TV on and then mindlessly doze off into sleep forgetting what you were ever writing about in the first place. That’s how I feel sometimes whenever I begin writing. I have all these wonderful ideas inside my head but then when I try to attempt to convey them into physical, readable form I start losing it. I start obsessing over grammar, punctuation, cohesiveness, the subject matter, and my entire existence. Okay so the last one may be a bit melodramatic but yeah. I’ve questioned my ability to create ever since I was a boy in middle school where I was just developing my talent until fundamental Christian values started creeping in and snapped the rose while it was still in bloom. You get depressed. You get sad. You try writing again but then you fail because of the expectations and the crippling mark of shame that was forced upon you as a young, impressionable child. You couldn’t cultivate that talent in a school where you can’t be freethinking or liberal with your artistic choices. You live in that Christian bubble. You start resenting living in that bubble and then once you finally get out you start going on an insane rollercoaster ride that makes you question what you ever believed in the first place.

It definitely felt like my identity was ripped from me and even to this day I feel like I’m still picking up the pieces; but, maybe, I don’t have to pick up the pieces anymore. Maybe I have to just create something new instead of repairing the old? Sometimes holding onto the pieces of the past could be more of a crutch than something that will eventually heal on its own. You have got to start fresh somewhere. I’m still figuring out where to start out fresh. Thirteen years of an expensive, private Christian education and you would think you’d be able to live your life differently better now than before, but it still feels like I have chains attached to me. Chains that have been a burden and nothing liberating. I felt like a freak, an anathema, and an outsider at a school where I almost didn’t have an identity. Every time I try to find myself or explore different avenues apart from the safe, fundamental teachings I’ve been taught, I become afraid of the consequences and paralyzed to act or do anything.

When does someone stop being afraid and when does someone start being brave to be who they are and not what others have taught them to be?

questioning evolving practice

I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing for a few weeks now. Does someone just decide to become a witch or is it in their blood? There are so many things out there written by practitioners, occult academics, researchers, and the like that it does become sort of overwhelming to take in information and sifting through what’s real and what’s not.

Also I’d like to note that TUMBLR IS NOT AN ENTIRELY REPUTABLE SOURCE of information for practicing witchcraft despite of the ease of use and accessibility that most younger generations are attracted to. Checking sources and seeing where they come from is the first step to studying and deciding if one wants to pursue a “magical” life. Pretty much in essence, use CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS and discern whether the source is questionable or not. 

I haven’t been formally initiated into a coven or anything like that. I’ve been on and off studying witchcraft and different practices for nearly 7 years now? And there is still a lot to learn. Granted, I am a natural skeptic that requires proof of something that works. Maybe that’s why I haven’t fully immersed myself in practice lately because of some personal life changing events that make me question everything involving the supernatural in general.

I guess one thing that I’ve been annoyed with on Tumblr and the Internet in general is that    there are people who say that you can practice however you want and incorporate it into your belief system however you wish like some “Pick 2 Combo Deal” at a restaurant or “Create Your Own Dish.” Personally, I see that sort of practice as picking whatever you please and therein lies a danger in stealing another culture’s beliefs in turn committing cultural appropriation. If it didn’t originally belong in the society you live in, you don’t have business dealing with it unless someone invites you or you share ties to the culture of interest.

I think in this world there are set rules and systems in place that involve practicing whatever religion or belief you choose. It’s just that for ages dogmatic theology has ruled most societies to this day that most young people want a more flexible approach to practicing whatever belief, faith, or system they believe in.

And I guess that’s what makes me question what witchcraft really is. Is it an art, a science, or both?

Do various folklores from different cultures necessarily entail supernatural events to occur on the physical plane? Hollywood has definitely gained a mass influence on young people involving magic with such movies like The Craft in the 90s.

Invoking spirits, gods, and other entities isn’t exactly something anyone can JUST DO because they want to for the hell of it. Something has to be put into place to enact the summoning or ritual. Why else do you think the Solomonic seals exist with detailed instructions on summoning? Maybe back then before everything advanced, it was their primitive way of practicing to manipulate “advanced supernatural entities.”

Then… you have the Neopagan practices like Wicca which has…. sort of turned into that whole crystals, chakras, and New Age bookshops that sell a shitload of incense, packaged bath scrubs with mystically enhanced herbs and such. A lot of practices today can turn cute and fluffy and that isn’t the practice I’m looking for.

I guess I’ve just stopped asking people in the magical pagan community on how to practice since most of them can be on a spiritual high horse where they think they may have found supreme enlightenment and attained cosmic powers that they don’t need to explain things to curious folk….. no, sorry, you just sound and look like a raging asshole that thinks they’re better than everyone else. 

Now, I’m not saying that you have to don some robes and go on some mystical, magical journey like Dr. Strange to attain magical powers in Tibet or some Far Off land with obscure practice. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t give up on finding whatever truth you seek until the time comes where you make a decision saying if its worth it or not.

Whatever practice you involve yourself in, it becomes real with how you make of it.

I’m still trying to figure out that practice and reality thing…. who knows.

Inner Conflict

Note: Since I’m typing this on mobile, might have to edit stuff for correctness and any other grammatical or punctuation errors. Also might add more stuff.

Tonight would have been perfect if I had my stuff with me but I guess my phone will have to do in writing this post. 
I’ve been in a weird contemplative mood lately. Just stuff about life involving the personal, spiritual, and overall state of the world. I grew up being self-conscious about how I acted around others and how I conducted my mannerisms and speech. It nearly turned me into a psycho of a mess in high school and a little during the beginning of college; however, I’ve managed to learn to adapt and carry myself appropriately.

Growing up in a Christian environment felt safe, too safe. I knew the dangers of the world, I knew the darkness that people were capable of, and I let it all affect me so deeply I’ve developed such a mistrust and bitter view of almost everyone I encounter in this world as a I breathe. But I know that no normal human being can ever live like that for their mortal lifespan.

I can’t keep my heart closed and I can’t keep being afraid of people to the point where I become an ice cold human being.

Sometimes I feel out of touch. Sometimes I feel such an inhuman need to be alone in a dark place where I can heal and rest my mind and body. 

Christianity has a lot of contradictions and doctrines that I’m still wrapping my head around and I’m desperately trying to “unlearn” or “deprogram” my brain from all the negativity I’ve experienced.

Part of me wants to separate completely from the rest of these so-called Christians and another wants to try to understand. I can’t keep being pulled in two different directions.

Someone would probably suggest I pray and ask for guidance from God or seek out a pastor and his church or maybe an impersonal shrink  that I can speak about my problems to.

It’s like hitting a brick wall over and over again. What was that definition? Insanity.

This is why I consider myself an agnostic and not an atheist. I strongly believe there is some kind of deity or Force that’s out there that has put humanity on course from whenever the hell we began. And things have been rather nice and fucked up so far.

I look at other Christians out there and wonder if they really are Christians. Are they saying they believe in Jesus because its fashionable and convenient for them to escape everlasting hell fire? Or do they truly believe and care for their fellow man?

I’ve accepted my homosexuality by the time I became 18. However, there are still times where I doubt “authentic” self. 

The damages, the scars are still there and I wish I could turn back time and relive my life different but you can’t turn back. You can’t turn the clock back no matter how much you try and no matter how much you wish for it to magically do so.

I guess I’ve yet to learn how to live with the pain of being rejected and shunned by these wannabe or so-called Christians.

What would Jesus REALLY do if he were alive in our modern society?

Homesick and… Consecration of…. What?

I feel like I may have half-assed my athame consecration ritual an hour ago. Is there such a thing as re-consecration of a tool? I’ve been looking it up on Ye Olde Google and even referenced a few of the handful of witchcraft books that I have currently in my possession but nothing didn’t pop up or resonate with me so I went with my own quick, simple ritual that involved a black cord, my athame obviously, a white candle, and blowing puffs of air onto said athame. Also passing blade through flame because gut instinct and inner me told me so.

I’ve only recently just begun to get into the swing of practice again after a year of delay. I’d say the things that dominantly interrupted my flow of practice would be my depression, settling into another state with family after being in college, and trying to make new friends in places I frequently explore in Los Angeles and around.

Before I rarely tried to make any friends in a new place but Los Angeles is a different ballgame. I was raised in the South and I have some Southern tendencies like manners, a twang in my voice despite of being a helluva different ethnicity, and some old-fashioned views that could come out of the South. So being in LA is just different and I’m pretty sure there are other Southerners like me living in LA that are adjusting as well or hell, maybe they fit in naturally!

Amidst the concrete, asphalt, smog, and blaring horns from angry traffic, I don’t feel like it compares to the green and tranquility I felt back in North Carolina. My parents probably have already long moved on from living in NC for most of our lives here in the US, but I still have ties to NC. Hell, I feel like my magic is still there despite of me trying to create new magic here.

In essence, I’m a homesick witch in a place where he doesn’t feel at all like home. I could try to conjure whatever but the only thing I guess limiting me is my imagination and faith in believing something could happen. I can’t just pick up my things and leave going back to NC without some form of well, money and job assurance. And they say Millennials are lazy?…… tell that to the job market and the fucked up economy (mind you I got a degree related to STEM and yet I can’t find a damn job worth a lick?)

Anywho, back to my half-assed attempt at athame consecration. I didn’t want to follow a formula created by anyone so I decided to create my own. I guess the magic in that is that it was personal and the athame is linked to my energy. With constant usage in ritual and practice, I’m sure I can build a better connection with my athame despite of the initial consecration ceremony I tried doing with it tonight.

If anyone has any ideas how this witch could go about feeling like he’s doing things properly, I’m open to suggestions.

 

 

It’s almost like Salem all over again…

The entire world seems like it has been thrown into pandemonium the past year or so, right?

Around this time a year ago, I felt a shift in energies that even most of my witch friends  across the hemisphere have felt. Big change was coming and big change happened. Look at where America is right now. It’s a struggle between darkness and light. The election only brought out the ugly shadows that were dying to rear their heads again and of course on the opposite side people went out and made their voices heard, millions marched against an oppressive regime that threatens the very present and future of many young people who yearn for equality.

It almost feels like Salem, right? Maybe not witch burnings at the stake but think about LGBT rights and women’s rights. Discrimination specifically targeted at transgender people and gross misogyny could be akin to burnings at the stake.

Setting people on fire because they’re different. Because they want to be treated as fairly and equally as the rest of everyone else. But no, because of the backwards patriarchal, male-driven institution that created America in the first place, some people restrict basic human rights to only a select few deserving so if they fit either fundamental right-wing traditions and beliefs or basically white-driven culture that seeks to abolish any sort of color, ethnic diversity, and ethnic beauty that was promised a land of the free in America.

But no, things as they are cannot be further from the truth.

I once stood in the dark being willfully ignorant of all the problems that ethnic minorities like myself have faced for decades in fighting oppressive institutions that wanted to limit basic human rights and equality. When I entered into a public liberal education, my eyes became opened at all the wrongs and rights. It was as if my entire mind’s eye was exposed to another side of a veil I couldn’t see through before.

People will say to ethnic minorities that they’re “being sensitive” or “being too loud” or “being too greedy for rights.” Greedy for rights? Being too loud? Being sensitive? We ethnic minorities wouldn’t be like this if none of the dominant majority (also known as white people or Caucasians of European descent/ancestry) hadn’t fucked most of us over for say…. I don’t know…… centuries.

Extortion. Slavery. Stolen land. Borrowed practices wrongfully adapted into their own (also known as cultural appropriation).

Don’t tell me that any person of color has never been mistreated or judged because of their  skin. That’s a lie. A lie that has to stop. You can form a sentence in variety of ways but the underlying meaning or tone stays the same. Prejudice will always rear its ugly head so long as people stay silent and willfully ignorant of everything wrong in mainstream society today.

 

non-spiritual rant, stress reliever.

After moving to Los Angeles, a lot of shit has fallen into place and fairly recently, a job!

HOWEVER, things are not as they appear to be. I took this job on a whim without thinking about carefully and now I regret it. I’m stressed, I’m energetically drained. Maybe I should’ve waited for a better opportunity to arise?

It comes back to that notion of taking something because you become a better person out of it. Unfortunately, it feels like it has gotten me far worse.

I travel a total of four hours to work Monday through Friday and I experience traffic that can get up to 10 miles per hour. 10 FUCKING MILES PER HOUR.

And you know how far my work place is? About 39 miles which could take a person in normal 65-70 mph traffic about nearly an hour to arrive. BUT TWO HOURS TO GO TO WORK and TWO HOURS TO GO BACK. And you only get paid $15/hour working 40 hours a week. Was it worth taking that job?

I thought so. At least my optimistic self thought it would be, but the waste of gas going stop and go and the unnecessary amount of stress from lack of sleep from the other night just to wake up early to not get caught in morning traffic jams just isn’t worth it.

I literally set my intention and wish for this job and I thought it would be good but it was a lesson to be learned.

A lesson where you have to realize that not everything that you wish for is always perfect. 

I placed my time and energy in my former workplace getting to know my co-workers and managers and we all got along pretty well for the most part. But to me personally, the travel, the distance, the constant lack of sleep and stress was taking its toll on my body. You could literally tell the difference between someone with less than six hours of sleep and someone with more than that.

Sure, I sound like I’m complaining or some shit like that but I could definitely find a job closer to home without the daily four hour commute.

introspection from the first new moon

As the moon waxes in the next several days until the full moon, a lot of introspection and decision-making has been happening in my life. It was during the start of this new moon cycle that I wanted to start making changes in my life and letting the old go.

I’ve held onto pain, sorrow, and anger for far too long and I can definitely say without a doubt that those three things have been holding me back from my potential in creating a new life for myself in this strange, new place I’m warming up to calling home. I can’t move on without first dealing with my demons.

The hurt and confusion from growing up as a child in a spiritually caustic environment has deep roots in my mind and soul. I couldn’t dream without having a waking nightmare and having the rest of my day sullied by the previous night’s shitshow reverie.

I was a different person back then. I’m a different person now. Despite of how much I changed, people will always have some memory of a different version of me. It’s funny how you exist in people’s thoughts even way after you’ve long been with them and perhaps moved onto the afterlife.

Your memory (your existence) never truly dies until everyone else in the world who remembers you die along with it. Unless of course you decide to pass on your legacy to your familial successors.

Introspection is a powerful ability that we all possess. It can be cultivated and developed into a tool that can help heal you, balance you, and even protect you when you really need to shut off from the world. We all need some me time after a stressful day or maybe even after a time of difficulties.

You don’t have to owe anyone your time unless it is necessary for your well-being or something related to your occupation. Sometimes we have to be selfish with ourselves because we can’t always be a hero or savior to everyone in our lives.

We can take a step back to breathe and then try to move forward again tomorrow. It’s literally not a race against time. Heal yourself, balance yourself now so that you can help others in the future wherever you may be.