Inner Conflict

Note: Since I’m typing this on mobile, might have to edit stuff for correctness and any other grammatical or punctuation errors. Also might add more stuff.

Tonight would have been perfect if I had my stuff with me but I guess my phone will have to do in writing this post. 
I’ve been in a weird contemplative mood lately. Just stuff about life involving the personal, spiritual, and overall state of the world. I grew up being self-conscious about how I acted around others and how I conducted my mannerisms and speech. It nearly turned me into a psycho of a mess in high school and a little during the beginning of college; however, I’ve managed to learn to adapt and carry myself appropriately.

Growing up in a Christian environment felt safe, too safe. I knew the dangers of the world, I knew the darkness that people were capable of, and I let it all affect me so deeply I’ve developed such a mistrust and bitter view of almost everyone I encounter in this world as a I breathe. But I know that no normal human being can ever live like that for their mortal lifespan.

I can’t keep my heart closed and I can’t keep being afraid of people to the point where I become an ice cold human being.

Sometimes I feel out of touch. Sometimes I feel such an inhuman need to be alone in a dark place where I can heal and rest my mind and body. 

Christianity has a lot of contradictions and doctrines that I’m still wrapping my head around and I’m desperately trying to “unlearn” or “deprogram” my brain from all the negativity I’ve experienced.

Part of me wants to separate completely from the rest of these so-called Christians and another wants to try to understand. I can’t keep being pulled in two different directions.

Someone would probably suggest I pray and ask for guidance from God or seek out a pastor and his church or maybe an impersonal shrink  that I can speak about my problems to.

It’s like hitting a brick wall over and over again. What was that definition? Insanity.

This is why I consider myself an agnostic and not an atheist. I strongly believe there is some kind of deity or Force that’s out there that has put humanity on course from whenever the hell we began. And things have been rather nice and fucked up so far.

I look at other Christians out there and wonder if they really are Christians. Are they saying they believe in Jesus because its fashionable and convenient for them to escape everlasting hell fire? Or do they truly believe and care for their fellow man?

I’ve accepted my homosexuality by the time I became 18. However, there are still times where I doubt “authentic” self. 

The damages, the scars are still there and I wish I could turn back time and relive my life different but you can’t turn back. You can’t turn the clock back no matter how much you try and no matter how much you wish for it to magically do so.

I guess I’ve yet to learn how to live with the pain of being rejected and shunned by these wannabe or so-called Christians.

What would Jesus REALLY do if he were alive in our modern society?


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